Friday, January 23, 2009

Tomorrow: (The Apocalyptic Version)

(Sung to the tune of the song "Tomorrow" from the Broadway musical "Annie")

The sun’ll blow up
It’ll swallow the Milky Way
There’ll be sun!

Just thinkin’ about
Makes me wanna
Hang my head in sorrow
We’re all done!

The glaciers will melt
And result in flooding, death
And horror!
Judgment Day.

The Global’ll get warm
And there’ll be no
Safe place
For your harbor
Come what may.

And then all of our days
Will be gray
And Lonely
And we’ll lower our chins
And cringe
And say….

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I dread ya
And you’re only a day a-way.

Our sufferin’ will end
And we’ll see our lives
Were vain and hollow

We’ll draw our last breaths
And then stand in judgment
‘Fore our Father
He’ll be pissed!

Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
I dread ya
And you’re only a day a-way.

Yes, you’re only a day a-way….

Thursday, January 22, 2009

The New Michael Jackson - Paul McCartney Duet

(Background info: In the 1980s, Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney recorded two top 10 hit duets, “Say, Say, Say” and “The Girl Is Mine”. It was during these sessions that McCartney (who had purchased the publishing rights to the songs of Buddy Holly and others) told Jackson that he should invest in music publishing – there was a lot of money to be made, he advised the younger superstar. The next day, Jackson came into their recording session and said “Yeah, Paul, I’m going to take your advice. I’m gonna buy your songs.” McCartney laughed, thinking Jackson was joking.

A month later, as the publishing rights to the songs of the Beatles became available, McCartney was attempting to buy back the songs he had lost (due to bad management) years ago. McCartney and John Lennon’s widow, Yoko Ono, put in a decent-sized bid together – only to learn that they had been outdone by Jackson. McCartney was so hurt and angry that he and Jackson haven’t spoken since.

This song is an example of what a duet between Michael Jackson and Paul McCartney would be like if they did it today. It is sung to the tune of “The Girl Is Mine”)


(Jackson): Every time you hear a Beatle song
If it’s taped or if it’s live
I receive a big, fat bonus check
Just like with the Jackson Five.
The songs are mine
The doggoned songs are mine.
They’re mine
The doggoned songs are mine.

(McCartney): I don’t understand the way you think
Saying that they’re yours not mine
John and I would stay up late at night
Writing each and every line
The songs are mine.
The doggoned songs are mine.
Don’t waste your time
The doggoned songs are mine.

(Jackson): I don’t wanna hear you bitch and moan
‘Cause I bought them fair and square
In a package deal from Northern Songs
‘Long with some locks of Ringo’s hair
The songs are mine.
The doggoned songs are mine.

(McCartney): I sung them more than he
(Cheesy Back-up Singers): Sung them everywhere
(Jackson): But I’ll make the royalties
(Cheesy Back-up Singers): He ain’t gonna share

(Together): Our portfolios grow with ease….
But we
Both cannot profit
So one
Of us must drop it
And when
You finally stop it.
You’ll see they’re…
My songs…mine mine mine.

(Jackson): Will you stop singing Yesterday
And admit that now they're mine?
(McCartney): I went down this Long And Winding Road
Was the Thriller of my time
The songs are mine
The doggoned songs are mine
(Jackson): They’re mine
The doggoned songs are mine.

(Spoken Section)

(McCartney) Michael, we’re not going to fight about this, okay?
(Jackson) Paul, I think I told you…I let my lawyers do my
(McCartney) Yeah, kind of like that thing with the kid, huh
(Jackson) (gasps) That’s below the belt, Paul.
(McCartney) Yeah, that's what I heard, Michael.
(Jackson) I am innocent of any wrongdoing.
(McCartney) I don’t belieeeeeeve it…..

(Cheesy back-up singers): Mine, mine…the songs are mine….

(fade out)

Monday, January 19, 2009

My Farewell Letter To George W. Bush

George W. Bush
c/o The White House
1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, NW
Washington, DC 20500

January 19, 2009

Dear President Bush,

As we begin the process of inauguration for a new President, and you prepare to leave office, I wanted to take a moment to personally thank you for your eight years of service to our country.

Most of all, I wanted to thank you for keeping us safe in the seven years after the horrible terrorists attacks of September 11, 2001. I heard your recent speech where you said that most American's lives returned to normal shortly after the attacks…but that yours never did. This is one of the things that I admire most about you. While we all felt the sense of anger, determination, and resolve in the days following 9/11, many of us allowed ourselves to fall back on old comforts, forgetting the dangers and focusing on other things in our lives. But you never did. I read that every morning, you were given an intelligence briefing regarding our enemy, and every day you made decisions about how to keep our country safe.

You succeeded.

A lesser man would have stopped after the war in Afghanistan, keeping his eye on polls and doing the easy thing to remain popular. After all, your approval ratings were in the 90s at this point. If you were truly only a political animal, you would have done exactly that. But you are a man of character – you never forgot the lessons of 9/11, no matter how fickle (or in some cases, how hostile) others became. History will show that your having the backbone to stay firm and suggest the surge in Iraq was the turning point – not only in that war, but in the history of the Middle East. While keeping us safe, you also liberated 50 million people who had previously only known tyranny and oppression. Now, those same people can proudly vote for their own leaders – a right that we all but take for granted in our country.

Throughout your eight years, you have remained humble and kind. While others insulted you and falsely accused you time after time of horrible things, you never acted in kind. You remained a gentleman. Sometimes I would get angry at your opponents and want you to fight back, to get down on their level. But I am so proud of you that you did not. You were truly an example of someone who stuck to their principles and didn’t allow the culture of Washington D.C. to change them.

I don’t know what your future plans are, but I hope you can relax and reflect on the impact you have had on our country, and our world. I know I speak for millions when I say that your service, and your courage, did not go unnoticed.

May God Bless you and your wonderful family. And May God continue to bless America.


Paul Burch

Friday, January 9, 2009

An old article revealing the truth about our little green friend...

Yoda, no longer under contract with LucasFilms, publicly expresses his love for his partner of 25 years, Reamy the Sheep.

Yoda ‘Flaming’ Over Oscar Snub

GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY – HOLLYWOOD, CALIFORNIA. Intergalactic Icon Yoda spoke out today for the first time since the announcement of the Oscar nominations. Yoda, who made his final of five appearances in the popular “Star Wars” series with “Revenge Of The Sith”, was upset for once again being passed over in the “Best Supporting Actor” category.

“Bullshit this is,” he said, in an exclusive interview with Oscar Insider.

Yoda also didn’t mince words in speculating why he wasn’t nominated.

“Flame enough I didn’t.”

That’s right, Yoda admits to the Insider that “Gay all my life I have been”, but that his tendencies were kept in check by director George Lucas. Lucas feared that an openly gay Yoda might disrupt the franchise’s image and hurt movie and merchandising sales.

Now that his contract is officially expired, however, the former Jedi Master is quick to defend his lifestyle, and to criticize what he calls the “Politics of Grab Ass” of the Academy Awards.

“Monogamous I am,” he said. “Whore around I don’t. If right parties attend you do not, and right ass you do not lick, Awards receive you don’t.” Yoda was referring to his partner, Reamy the Sheep, whom he says he’s been faithful to for 25 years.

However, everyone’s favorite little green alien did admit that he “wanted always to do” a love scene with some of his “Star Wars” co-stars, including Harrison Ford and Hayden Christensen. (“The Force on them I’d use! Heh heh heh!!” he said.) Yoda says he petitioned Lucas especially hard for a Christensen scene in the most recent installment. “His ass just once I wanted to grab,” he says. The unused scene would have occurred when Yoda attempted to restrain the future Darth Vader. “An accident it would have appeared. Hilarious it would have been. But Lucas allow it would not.”

The Oscar snub hurts Yoda especially because, with films like “Brokeback Mountain” and “Capote”, he feels that Hollywood “rubbing my face in it they are”. He contends that this proves that he was right in his arguments with Lucas. “If skin I showed,” he says, “nominations received I would.”

However, Yoda forced himself to look at the loss philosophically. He invoked the recent story showing that some promiscuous gay men were found to have traces of the sexually-transmitted disease, Chlamydia.

“Oscar I have not,” he says. “But neither Yeast Infection either have I.” He did dismiss, however, the whole premise of Brokeback Mountain.

“Hairy legs, Testosterone,” he murmured, shaking his head. “A Cowboy craves not these things!”